Home > Resources > Essays

Message Board   *   Resources   *   Donations   *   Contact Us

When BM Passes Away

It is very sad time when the biological mother (BM) passes away. Usually, the stepkid(s) will be consumed with grief and the DH (dear husband) may have his own emotions regarding the BM’s passing. He has lost the mother of his children, no matter how much they have had their disagreements and the like, and there is something to be said for being the other biological parent, especially the mother. A stepmom needs to manage her own feelings about the BM passing away, and balance that with her DH and stepkid(s’) feelings/emotions. The funeral planning and funeral will likely be an emotional time. Depending on the stepkid(s) age(s), they may need some hand-holding with respect to planning the funeral. If the BM was religious, the funeral may require more planning with a church, etcetera. If the stepkid(s) are in their thirties and older, chances are they will probably need less help than if the stepkid(s) were in their twenties or younger.

The stepmom may want to purchase sympathy card(s) for the stepkid(s), as well as express their sympathies and condolence on the loss of their mother. Further, the stepmom and DH (biological father) may want to purchase funeral flowers for the funeral home and/or church. If there isn’t a viewing or funeral, perhaps a monetary donation to the BM’s favorite charity may be a good idea. It can be a delicate balancing act between trying to be sympathetic to the children and DH, and her own feelings. A stepmom may have the inclination to want to fill that void that is left by their mother’s passing. It is probably best to step back and see what the kid(s) need/want and go from there. Let them take the lead and proceed accordingly.

The stepkid(s) will probably need help getting together papers for their mother’s estate and trying to navigate the legal minefield. A stepmom can help by helping the stepkid(s) organize the paperwork, as well as try to help them find a reputable attorney who will be able to assist them with their mother’s estate. It may be a good idea to ask the stepkid(s) periodically how things are going with the estate and if there is anything that you can do to help them.

All of this can be emotionally and physically draining. Encourage the stepkid(s) to do nice things for themselves. Also, encourage them to express their feelings and emotions. If they need to cry or talk about it, they should. They are probably going to need lots of time and space to process the loss of their mother. Checking in with the stepkid(s) as often as one feels comfortable can help both the stepmom and stepkid(s) in their feelings and emotions regarding the passing of the BM.

All of the firsts after the BM’s passing will likely be very trying. The first Mother’s Day, the first Easter, first birthday, their first birthdays after the BM passed away, will be emotionally trying to for the stepkid(s). Inspire them to go to the cemetery on these occasions. The stepmom may offer to accompany the stepkid(s).

Naturally, every step situation is different, so some of the ideas above may or may not apply to individual situations. Even though this essay is dedicated to when the BM passes away, the points made in this article could probably be used for a BD (biological dad) if he were to pass away.

This essay was written by stepmom.